Sep 05

Do You Understand Your Spouse’s Definition of Intimacy?

I participated at a great marriage workshop this past Tuesday. The hot topic of the day was intimacy. Intimacy has been associated and sometime defined as sex. However, sex is not intimacy. I sat in the third row taking notes and listening to many spouses that were just completely on different planets when it came to intimacy in their marriage. Frustration and deeply hurt feelings were shared due to different views on intimacy. Listening to vulnerable hearts that were opened by wives and husbands, I felt immensely hopeful for many couples.


At the end of the workshop, I got a chance to talk one on one with many wives and husbands. I could clearly see that both spouses really want to have deep level of intimacy. In one of the conversation, the husband stated, “I don’t just want sex; I want connection.” I felt so proud of his honesty and vulnerability. That moment of gut level honesty open new doors in his marriage and gave his wife so much insight. Although this couple will need to have several conversation about intimacy, they started to grasp each other’s definition of intimacy. In that simple conversation, intimacy was move from just sex to connection in her eyes. Years of hurt feelings started healing. This success can happen in your marriage too.

So if you are planning to start an intimacy discussion with your spouse consider the following:

Mark Falardeau FlickrPhoto Courtesy of Mark Falardeau under Flickr Creative Commons

Intimacy does not start after work

Intimacy takes time and it is ongoing

Intimacy is connection according to both spouses

Both spouses need to understand their own definition of intimacy

Both spouses need to communicate their own definition of intimacy clearly to each other

Intimacy requires action at all six levels with different dosage according to both spouses – Recreational, Financial, Spiritual, Emotional, Sexual and Intellectual

Intimacy does not happen by chance

Intimacy requires constant communication 

Your definition of intimacy might be different from your spouse’s. However, if your communication of intimacy is on the same page, you are on your way to marriage success. Just like the couples at the workshop, it might be hard to even start the intimacy conversation. Don’t let that deter you from taking action. Start the discussion.


Questions: What does the word intimacy means to you? What does intimacy means to your spouse?


Thank you for reading