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May 26

Lessons from Love Busters

READ TO FEED YOUR MARRIAGE – GREAT MARRIAGES REQUIRE HEALTHY FOOD.


Read to Feed Your Marriage allows you to read a great marriage book by a world renowned marriage expert and you get a licensed counselor to give you weekly tips and challenges to transform your marriage from average to amazing.  Join us from March 17th to May 26th as we read Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

 

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Chapter 11 – Resolving Conflicts over Sex

Chapter 12 – Building Romantic Love with Care

Chapter 13 – Building Romantic Love with Time

 

Deeper Love, Great Sex and Beyond

It always baffles me to see couples take time to plan a spectacular honeymoon, but drop the ball completely once the honeymoon ends. During the honeymoon, spouses focus on pleasing each other sexually. Many wives pack lingerie. Many husbands really focus on foreplay and love making rather than sex. Both spouses focus on building intimacy as a precursor to love making. Spouses usually engage in spending time talking, eating together, and doing recreational activities. I know eventually couples have to return back home. However, the experiences that occured during the honeymoon do not have to stop.

When a couple chooses to end all the honeymoon activities in the marriage the following occur:

    –         Pressure to perform

    –         Increase ignorance about sex

    –         Feeling intimated about sex

    –         Failure to take each other’s feelings into account

    –         Sex out of duty

    –         Dishonesty about sexual intimacy

 

Is it possible for couples to maintain the honeymoon mindset even while at home? Yes, but having a honeymoon mindset throughout the lifetime of a marriage requires intentionality.

Couple at the BeachPhoto Courtesy of Photostock under freedigitalphotos.net

Here are 6 Things You Can Do to Keep the Honeymoon Going:

Build intimacy – Sex does not happen in the bedroom. Sex starts with morning hugs, goodbye kisses, calls during the day to say “I love you.” Sex continues throughout the day and after the work day by reconnecting through talk, sharing a meal, reading or watching a movie together. You cannot have sexual intimacy if you don’t know your spouse. The above examples are some of the activities you practiced during the honeymoon; keep it up to save your marriage.

Know yourself – The more you know yourself the better sexual partner you will be for your spouse. We are living in a sexually saturated world. Sex has been made to be dirty, shameful, and secretive. Sex in marriage can be a pure and wonderful experience. However, many married couples put sex on the back burner due to bad experiences, tiredness, and negative beliefs about sex, childhood sexual trauma, inappropriate beliefs, and ignorance about sex.  Little by little bit, left unchecked the previous issues can  become barriers to great sexual intimacy. One way to start addressing these issues is by paying attention to your body and your mind especially if you are not mentally present during sex.

Create an environment of openness and healthy boundaries – Many couples will never be able to create an environment of great sexual intimacy until they let the walls down. Secrets about sexual addiction, pornography, masturbation should be discussed and spouses should commit to get professional help if needed. Secrets about past domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse in childhood should be discussed and spouses should commit to get professional help if needed. Lastly, secrets about sexual experience in the marriage should be discussed and spouses should commit to get professional help if needed. I have seen many wives who stayed quiet and had sex out of duty. You are not protecting your spouse; you are lying.  All secrets that put a barrier to sexual intimacy should be revealed and addressed.

Get educated together – Many couples do not have the basic education about sex. Men and women respond differently to sex. It is vital for couples to know the stages of sex.  Couples who have great sexual intimacy invest time in reading books about the physiological aspects of sex. Spend time to really know how a woman responds to sex and how a man responds to sex. It is of upmost importance to sit together and discuss what please you and what pleases your spouse.

Communicate with your spouse – Sex is not about selfish demands and disrespectful judgments. Sex is really about serving your spouse. There has been a long standing myth in the Christian community that sex is sinful. Well, if that was true , Song of Songs  (all married couple should read this at least once a year) would not be in the Bible. Consequently, romance each other. Discuss your sexual desires. Talk about new things you want to try in the bedroom. Learn to adjust your mindset to see yourself as sexual being for your spouse.

Practice – If there are no medical or psychological reasons you should not be intimate with your spouse, you need to make time to be sexually intimate. Sex does not sustain a marriage, but it is a great tool that will bring a wife and husband together. Consequently, make no excuses. Work together to provide sexual fulfillment for each other.

Couple in the KitchenPhoto Courtesy of Photostock under freedigitalphotos.net

Sex is only part of the marital picture. Consequently couples needs to continue to build lasting love with care and time.

To build love with care couples must be intentional about each other’s emotional needs. It is asking yourself, what will I do to meet my spouse’s 5 top basic needs? Building love with care does not happen by chance. Create a realistic plan. If your spouse’s emotional need is affection, how often will you hold hands, give back rubs or kiss that are not related to sex.

To build love with time couples must dedicate and plan time for the marriage. I am talking about uninterrupted, no kids, no phone, and no television kind of time. The best way I know to make time for my marriage is to actually set the time. That’s exactly what I teach couples to do. Consequently, don’t let time for marriage happen by chance. Schedule dates in advance. Schedule at least 15 hours during the week to be with each other without interruption.

As you grow in your marriage, you will grow closer if you build love with care and time.

 

Challenge of the Week – How well do you know yourself sexually? Many couples want great sex, but they refuse to talk about sex. Don’t fall in that trap. Great sex does not happen by chance.

Write down 3 things you want to share to with spouse about sex. It can be about secrets you want to reveal, sexual desires you want to communicate, questions you want to explore, etc. After you write the list down, set a time to talk to your spouse. Remember to build love with care and time.

 

Thank you for reading