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Chapter 4 – The Power of One – Take Personal Responsibility
Yes, You Can Dance a New Dance
What if I told you hold the power to stop the fear dance in your relationships, would you believe me? It is so easy to blame others when we are hurt. We seek apology; we try to control others and situations. In reality, we are the only one that can change how we react and act to the fear dance. It can be quite hard to make the first step, but if you are waiting for your spouse to heal you, to complete you or to fix you, you have chosen to be a victim. Beside, you can wait a lifetime hoping that your spouse will change or be extremely tired trying to change your spouse, but the only person you will have total control of is YOU.
You don’t have to participate in the shouting match that was initiated by your spouse, you can choose to walk away and choose to communicate when both of you are listening to each other- because the Power of One Dance.
You don’t have to use manipulative behaviors and withhold sex from your spouse, you have the power to communicate your needs and your fears – because of the Power of One Dance.
Photo Courtesy of Linda Yvonne under Flickr Creative Commons
The Power of One Dance is sum up in 3 Words – Take Personal Responsibility.
Here are 6 steps that will get you out of the Fear Dance and get you to dance the Power of One Dance:
1. Take Control of Your Thoughts, Feelings and Actions – When I counseled couples, many spouses will say if my wife didn’t do that, I would act this way. In reality our thoughts, feelings and actions are our properties. No one can have control of these three areas unless, we relinquish that control.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Buttons – Get to know yourself. What exactly get under your skin? If you know what lead you to react out of anger, sadness or any unpleasant emotions, you can learn ways to not react when those buttons are pushed. The truth is – buttons will be pushed, have control of them instead of letting yourself be moved as a yo-yo.
3. Don’t Give Others the Powers to Control Your Feelings – There is nothing that will keep you in the Fear Dance on a perpetual basis more than you relinquishing your feelings to others. I have seen this play out many times in marriage counseling. “You made me mad, he made me sad, she made me angry.” If you are experiencing a feeling, chances are you have a fear that it triggering that feeling. Learn to explore that fear.
4. Don’t Look to Others to Make You Happy – Happiness is really a state of mind. Many couples come to relationships with false expectations. Consequently, when these expectations are not being met, they feel unhappy. Don’t leave your total happiness to your spouse. This is a void only you and God can fill. To set your happiness meter on your spouse is to plan your relationship for doom. If your happiness is your spouse‘s responsibility, when he or she has a bad day, your happiness go down the drain.
5. Become the CEO of Your Life – Don’t watch your life happen while you stand in the distance. Be active. Learn to express legitimate needs. Learn to communicate your fears without holding back. Seek assistance from your spouse as support and accountability partner, but do not make that their responsibility.
6. Forgiveness Heals Relationships – Holding on to grudges will keep you enslaved. The more time you take to give forgiveness the more that you will hold yourself hostage. The only way to heal a relationship is to ask for forgiveness when needed and give forgiveness when needed.
So today, let it be the day you start dancing the Power of One Dance. Don’t wait for your spouse to make the first move, face the person in the mirror and start taking responsibility for You.
Challenge of the Week – Take Personal Responsibility.
This week is your week to take back control.
How have you give control to others when it comes to your thoughts, feelings and actions?
How can you take personal responsibility for your relationship? How have you played the Fear Dance? List specifics examples
Answer the above questions by writing them in a journal.
Thank you for reading