Apr 18

10 Marriage Lessons I Learned from Doing the Insanity

Marriage lessons can come from the most unlikely places. Inspired by my husband, I embarked on a journey to complete the Insanity. Honestly, this was the first time I approached the Insanity as a personal challenge. I have completed the Insanity. However, this is the first time I was not being pushed and pulled by my husband to complete the program.

I faced two main obstacles

Fear –When I started the exercise program, I kept questioning my ability to actually complete the program. The more I questioned my ability the more doubts I had.

Time management – With a toddle running around and working with couples, I really did not know how I would find the time to exercise six days a week. Some of the Insanity workouts are over thirty minutes long. If I wanted to succeed, I would have to make the time for the exercise program.


I decided to face all my fears and jumped with both feet in. Two months later, I completed the insanity on 4-7-14. Here are 10 marriage lessons I learned from completing the Insanity.

   1.     Planning and action lead to success – Life is busy. It is easy to watch life just passing by. The Insanity was my mountain. I climbed to the top because I had a target date. I woke up six out of seven days and I worked out. If you want success in your marriage, you will have to plan it and act on it

   2.     I am responsible for me – My husband was the inspiration for this journey, but I had to take ownership of my journey. At the end of the day, the ball was in my court. It is crucial to take ownership of your marriage.

   3.     Unconditional support – Marriage is truly the relationship where one can foster unconditional support. My husband was not instructive, but throughout the program he walks by my side. Asking me about my progress, giving me tips to address soreness. If your spouse takes on a challenge, give your unconditional support.

    4.     Repetition is a great asset – In the second month, the intensity of the exercises increased. Honestly, there were days, I truly did not want to work out. I just kept telling myself you have to wake up and work out. I can tell you physical, mental and verbal repletion became my greatest asset. If you are doing something new in your marriage and it is difficult, just keep at it. It will get better.

   5.     Pain is temporary – I don’t know if I forgot how painful sore muscles can be, but by the first week of the program, I was quickly reminded of that fact. By the third week of the program, all the soreness was gone. Pain is temporary.

    6.     I am guided by my mind – Thinking positive was a huge factor in my success. In the beginning, I questioned my ability. I had to reshape my thinking by saying I can do this. I am a positive person, but exercise was uncharted territory for me. I had to really focus on the positive. If you are having difficulty in your marriage, start by looking at your thoughts.

   7.     Health matters in marriage – I knew recreational intimacy is important in marriage, but I was not intentional about it. My husband would schedule a physical activity and I would participate. Being inspired to do the Insanity has impacted my views on health and marriage. A healthy spouse is a happier spouse. I have more energy to give to my husband and my son because I taking care of my health.  If I don’t take care of my health, I am deliberately putting my health at risk at the expense of my husband. It is both spouses responsibility to create an atmosphere of recreational intimacy. Start creating the atmosphere you want.

   8.     A Sense of accomplishment – For a West Indian who cannot swim or ride, this experience has really put a spark on my heart. I feel so proud of myself. I feel proud of the influence that my husband have on me. I feel proud of the new exercise goals I have set. When you are willing to listen to your spouse, you will go places.

   9.     Exercise is a lifestyle – I can say that I enjoyed the process of completing the Insanity. I enjoyed the marital and personal benefits that I have gained from the program. However, one of the most important benefits I gained is making exercise a lifestyle. Before the insanity I was not really exercising on a regular basis, I eat healthy. Eating healthy is not enough. I really want to be alive and well to enjoy my marriage, my child, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. Lasting change requires a lifestyle change.

   10.    This is just the beginning – I truly feel I have tapped into strengths that I did not know existed. This experience really opens my views on recreational companionship and health as lifestyle. There are things as an individual I will experience solely because of the influence of my husband. I truly urge huge not to miss out on the experiences your spouse will create for you.

I was able to face my obstacles and complete the Insanity. The benefits listed above go beyond my marriage. I know I will revisit them again and again.


Questions: This was a fun and amazing journey for me. I never thought an exercise program can do so much. Have you ever had an unlikely experience that helped your marriage? How have your recreational intimacy or exercise plans affected your marriage and your life?


Thank you for reading

Apr 16

4 Tips to Transform Your Marriage from Average to Awesome

We all have heard it before. You have to take care of yourself before you can help someone else. The same principle holds true in marriage.  It seems so practical. Yet, it is extremely difficult. For most couples, when one spouse feels that his or her needs are not being met, the focus shift to press the other spouse to get his or her act together.

You probably have seen it in marriages time after time or you have experienced it yourself. One spouse is pressing the other spouse to go to counseling so “their marriage” can be better.  The heated arguments are directed to change one spouse. The bulk of energy wasted to fix the spouse lead to resentment, bitterness, and anger.

The reality is you have control of one person and that is the person in the mirror. It might be a tough pill to swallow, but you cannot help your spouse and your marriage unless you are helping yourself.

Wedded FeetPhoto courtesy of Ellen Munro under Flickr Creative Commons

Listed below are 4 tips that will take your marriage to awesome

    1.     Take care of yourself – Self-care is really important in marriage. The wife who is emotional well and rested physically will be more engaged sexually with her husband. The husband who is taking care of himself emotionally will be more loving toward his wife. If you are not eating healthy, taking time to recharge yourself, you cannot be the spouse you desire to be.


How are you taking care of yourself physically, mentality, emotionally and spiritually that are benefiting your marriage?


    2.     Stop Telling Yourself Lies – Many spouses tell themselves horrible lies about their spouse, and marriage. Sometime the lies you tell yourself are hurting. They broken tapes telling you – you are not worth it; you can’t be the wife or the husband that your spouse needs.  Stop listening to those lies; they are opening your wounds each time you believe them.


What lies you are telling yourself as an individual that have stunt your growth?

What lies are you telling yourself about your role as a spouse?

What lies are you telling yourself about your spouse that is affecting your marriage?


   3.     Say No To Nonsense What you are taking in on a daily basis, really affect the way you think about yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Get rid of negative influences that have plagued the way you see yourself as an individual and as a spouse. Whether it is friends, the media, your past, say no to nonsense.


Who is your #1 fan that is helping you to be the best individual and spouse you can be?

What resources you are using to become the best individual you want to be?

   4.     Just Do It – It is easy to dream and think of the marriage that you want.  However, the spouse you desire your husband or your wife to be will not come into fruition unless you start working on yourself. You cannot use the old excuse “I’ll wait for my spouse to change then I will change”. Waiting for your spouse to change can take an entire lifetime. You have the power to change one person and that is you.


What is one thing you can do today to be the individual you want to be?

What is one thing that you can do today to be the spouse you want to be?


Don’t stress yourself trying to fix your spouse. Focus on you. The healthier you are, the better you will be as an individual and as a spouse.


Thank you for reading.


Apr 14

Lessons from Love Busters


Read to Feed Your Marriage allows you to read a great marriage book by a world renowned marriage expert and you get a licensed counselor to give you weekly tips and challenges to transform your marriage from average to amazing.  Join us from March 17th to May 26th as we read Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


Chapter 4 – Selfish Demands – Who Want to Live with a Dictator?


3 Steps to Make Thoughtful Requests in Marriage

No one wants to live with a dictator. Any husband or wife who makes selfish demand of his or her spouses will have a marriage full of resentments. Selfish demands can get your needs met, but you will never feel satisfies.

How do you get your needs met without using manipulation or threat?

    1.     Communicate your need and inquire of your spouse’s feelings toward meeting your need – Many spouses wait in silence and expect their significant others to know their needs. If you don’t have a conversation about your needs, your spouse will not know. The longer you wait to speak about your needs the longer you will be frustrated. Really inquire about your spouse’s feelings about your needs. For instance, if you desire to go on a movie date with your spouse, make it as a request and inquire if your spouse would like to spend time with you watching a movie. Inquiring about your spouse’s feelings will foster deeper communication and intimacy.


   2.     If your spouse does not feel comfortable meeting the need, withdraw your request – Do not use threat, or manipulation to force your needs on your spouse. By withdrawing your request when your spouse does not feel comfortable to meet your needs, your spouse will safe in the marriage. In addition, your spouse will feel that that he or she is being heard.



   3.     Have an open discussion with your spouse about different options – Most spouses will meet thoughtful requests that are not selfish demands. Discuss openly options that might satisfy your need. Encourage your spouse to give input. Both of you formulate options that will be win- win for the marriage.

Keep in mind that selfish demands lead to poor intimacy and create severe withdrawal from your love bank.


Challenge of the Week – Demands imply a threat or punishment. Thoughtful requests communicate love. Get rid of resentments by being open and make thoughtful request if your spouse.

This week let your guard down and discuss one of your needs with your spouse. Silence, threat, manipulation are all tactics that lead to resentments.


Thank you for reading.

Apr 11

10 Tips for a Successful Couple’s Budget Meeting

One of the most contentious issues for couples is finances. Couples who are working together to eliminate debt usually face one big hurdle – the famous budget meeting. For some couples the first budget meeting really creates unwanted frustrations. Consequently, many couples give up on the first attempt.  The first budget meeting can be hard.


Listed below are 10 tips that will help you and your spouse  to have a successful budget meeting.




   1.     Be patient with each other – Know that you had a whole lifetime spending and managing money differently and separately, so it will take time to synch and work together. Push yourself to stay on the budget and encourage your spouse to stay on the budget. Instead of nagging or bullying your spouse, look at the man or the woman in the mirror. You have the strengths to control that woman and that man. Make a promise to your spouse to finish this budget meeting. Work together. Do not let the budget be your spouse responsibility. Both of you are responsible for the financial future of your marriage.


   2.     Talk and see the dreams – What can you accomplish without debts? What can you accomplish if you had no payments? How would you feel if you had no money fights? Do you desire to be on the same financial page? How much money could you give to noble causes if you had money? What vacations would you take if you had money? Create a dream board or a Pinterest board and share it with each other.


   3.     Hold hands through the anxiety and frustration – Anxiety and frustration are a given for the first budget meeting. Don’t point the finger. It will get you nowhere. The mess is the past and you and your spouse are in the present to create a different future and attack the consequences of your actions. The ball is in your court. You can help or hurt each other.


   4.     Know that the tough times are temporary – All the bills and the debts might make you feel like you are drowning. Think if you get through this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you address your problem now, you don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. You don’t have to borrow from Peter to pay Paul if you have a plan.


   5.     Breathe and hug each other – You are looking at the numbers and it is overwhelming. This is your time to really encourage each other. Stay at it. It is easy to run right now. Running would only give you temporary relief, but your marriage would die a slow death. Talk to each other. Breathe, hug each other and continue.


   6.     Write it on paper – This is probably your first time looking at your finances together. If it is not on paper, it does not exist. If you plan for success, you will be successful. Your budget is your map to get out of financial slavery.


   7.     Discuss and look at it – Discuss it with each other. Ask question. Don’t yell. Don’t curse at each other. Look at needs. Look at the wants. Are your needs really needs? Children do what feels good. Adults do what is logical. Winning adults and winning couples do what leads their marriage to success. You have a vote, exercise it wisely. Not out of selfish ambitions or manipulation, but out of a desire to win in your marriage.


   8.     Agree on the decision – A decision between a wife and a husband is sacred. By agreeing on this budget you are saying to your spouse, I am willing to put us first instead of my own selfish desires. Know that you cannot act outside of the budget without having a budget meeting/talk with your spouse. You are saying my word is good enough. Don’t break the promise. Don’t commit financial infidelity.


   9.     Applaud your spouse for the hard work he or she just did by sitting with you to complete the budget meeting. – You survive and you did not kill each other. You have a plan for success. 1 of the 4 top reasons for divorce in the USA is financial issue. You are setting yourselves for success. Encourage your spouse for putting the marriage first. This is a real man. This is a real woman. Not a boy who cries to get what he wants. Not a girl who throws tantrums to get her ways. Applaud him, applaud her. Be specific. Talk about your own pushing through to stay in this budget meeting.


   10.                        Schedule a specific time the following week to discuss your progress on the budget. – One budget meeting will not scratch the surface of the financial mess you have created. Trust me. In order for you to have financial freedom, you will have to put in the work. Your marriage is worth it. You can ignore it and watch your ship sinks. Or you can do the necessary work to win in your marriage. Imagine if you are on the same page financially, you will have less money fights. In order to master a language, you need to practice. You are learning to speak the same financial language for the first time; you are working together for the good of your marriage. You will need to practice it frequently before you master it.


Question: What other tips you have used to have a successful budget meeting with your spouse.


Thank you for reading

Apr 09

5 Tips to Use When Making An Apology To Your Spouse

She said, “Ihad enough. I’m tired of this. He always says sorry, but he does nothing to change,” This is a common issue I hear in marriage counseling. One spouse pours his/her heart out, the other spouse felt there is no remorse. One of the keys to solve this dilemma is to have each spouse speaks the desired language/s of apology. Teaching spouses to identify and use appropriate languages apology have helped me to get many couples out of a vicious cycle of inaudible apologies.


Expressing Regret – “I’m sorry.” “I feel badly about what I did.”

Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.” “It was my fault.”

Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”

Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

Knowing the languages of apology is the first step. Ask yourself, am I willing to implement the appropriate language/s of apology in my relationship? You know; it is not easy to say I’m sorry when resentment and bitterness have settled in your relationship. It is not too late. The change starts with you. Be humble. Ask your spouse, which one of the five languages apology he/she desires to hear from you?

It might be tempting to point out to your spouse his/her fault. At what cost? Share with patience and the language/s of apology you desire to hear from your spouse. Be gracious; give him/her time to implement the five languages of apology. Remember this is a new language for your spouse. If you and your spouse are tired of putting each other in the dog house, really take time to really apologize to each other.


Questions:  How have you apologized to your spouse? Are you being effective?

Apr 07

Lessons from Love Busters


Read to Feed Your Marriage allows you to read a great marriage book by a world renowned marriage expert and you get a licensed counselor to give you weekly tips and challenges to transform your marriage from average to amazing.  Join us from March 17th to May 26th as we read Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley, Jr.



Chapter 4 – annoying Behaviors – Who Wants to Live with a Dripping Faucet?


5 Steps to Get Rid of Your Dripping Faucet

Have annoying habits or activities depleted your love bank?  The clothing on the floor, leaving dirty dishes on the table, the constant shopping or is it the constant golfing or hunting. Annoying habits and activities can really create withdrawal in your love bank. Many spouses found their love bank is empty, and they had no clue that their annoying habits were the cause.

How do annoying habits and activities sneak in a marriage?

When you were courting your spouse, you put your best foot forward. You spent quality time to show interest instead of spending hours hunting with your buddies. If you had a house date, there were no dirty dishes on the table. Your floor was clean and no clothing articles were found on the floor. You strived hard to win the heart of your love one. You were intentional about making deposit. Your ultimate goal was to win your lover’s heart.


 And then, intentionality went out the door.

You have said, “I do.”  The habits and activities you did not show during courtship start making entrances in your marriage in small doses. I have heard spouses said, “I never knew he spend so much time watching TV.” “Every Saturdays, he is golfing with his friends.” “I did not know she spend so much time talking to her girlfriends.” Little by little bit all the behaviors that your spouse detests are depleting your love bank day by day. You can argue that your spouse needs to accept you as you are or you can really count the cost of keeping your annoying habits and activities.

If you have count the costs, you will see a lifetime with a dripping faucet will lead to total irritation. Here are 5 Steps to Get Rid of Your Dripping Faucet.

   1.     Make a commitment to get rid of your annoying habits/activities – The cost of keeping your annoying behaviors is too high. Make a commitment to yourself and your spouse to overcome the love buster that is hurting your marriage. You will have to make a conscious effort to say no more dripping faucet in your marriage.

   2.     Identify the habits and activities – Really sit down with your spouse and really talk about the specific behaviors and activities that are depleting your love bank. Is it constant belching, TV watching, excessive shopping, too much of an activity with your friends.  Dig deeper. Your spouse is really your guide. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Be open about the reasons you committing the annoying behaviors. Maybe you spend time with your buddies as a way to decrease stress.  A closer look at your behaviors might help you and your spouse to formulate a plan that is healthy for you and your marriage.

   3.     Create a plan to eliminate the love buster – Make a plan of action. Talking about your annoying behaviors is a step. Action to eliminate annoying behaviors will determine how serious you are about protecting your marriage. Start by targeting 3 easy behaviors your want to eliminate. Really discuss with your spouse what success would look like if those annoying habits are eliminated.

   4.     Replace love busters with love builders – Eliminating annoying behaviors is great for your love bank. Take it one step further by intentionally practicing behaviors that are building your love bank. If your annoying behavior was too many hours of television, take it one step further by practicing a behavior that you and your spouse enjoy together. You might find out you like walking. Take a walk together. Eliminating the hours of television with no other activities will eventually lead back to television.

   5.     Measure your progress – Go back and really take a look at your plan of action and your commitment. Ask yourself and your spouse how are you doing eliminating those annoying behaviors? Are you really targeting the desired goal/

Any annoying habits and activities that reside in a marriage will kill the marriage slowly. It is death by a thousand cuts. Perhaps, your spouse used to tell you pick up your clothes off the floor and now she has stopped verbalizing her frustration. Day by day, love units are leaving your love bank. Do your annoying habits or activities worth the price?


Challenge of the Week – No one wants to live with a dripping faucet.

Take a closer look at your annoying habits and activities. If your spouse has mentioned certain behaviors that are annoying to them, this is your chance to really get rid of those behaviors.

This week have a heart to heart talk about the dripping faucet that is depleting your love bank.

Pick 3 annoying habits or activities and follow the 5 steps to eliminate them.


Thank you for reading

Apr 04

3 Tips To Leverage Differences and Build a Stronger Marriage

We have nothing in common. This is one of the common phrases couples have used to part their separate ways.

 It is always perplexing to see so many couples complain that they have nothing in common, but it was those differences that lead to attraction in the first place. Now, those couples are married; they are trying to change each other.

 Many couples are successful in their marriage due to one secret sauce – Embracing the differences. If you have nothing in common with your spouse, it is not the end of your marriage. Your differences can be the glue that keeps your relationship alive.


Here are 3 Tips to Leverage the Differences and  Build a Stronger Marriage.

 Acknowledge the differences – Take it further then acknowledgement. Don’t pretend that the differences are not affecting your marriage. Don’t use the differences as crutches to have a conflictive marriage. Your spouse gives you a different view of the world. Acknowledge that you have different perspectives, personalities and start positioning your differences for the benefits of the marriage.

 Identify the differences – Knowing your differences will allow accepting each other strengths and weaknesses. If you are saver, you might need your spouse who is a spender to help you relax. And, if you are the spender, you might need your spouse to help you stay on a budget.

Learn how to work together – Opposites attract for a reason. If you have the same exact qualities as your spouse, you don’t need each other. Don’t fight the differences. A creative spouse can create an atmosphere that an organized spouse would never dream of.  On the other hand, an organized spouse can create stability and details that keep the marriage stable. There is constant give and take on both sides.

Embracing the differences is the only way that your marriage will work.  When differences are accepted among both spouses there is continual growth. Both spouses create an atmosphere of interdependence. You can spend a lifetime trying to change your spouse or you can see the differences as assets.


Question: How have your spouse’s personality, traits and abilities helped you and your marriage?


Thank you for reading

Apr 02

A Marriage at Peace

What is a peaceful marriage?  Is it a marriage without conflict? No, the absence of conflict is not necessarily peace. A marriage that is peaceful is a marriage where each spouse feels safe. A marriage where sharing of the heart is the core of the relationship. It is a marriage where nagging and disrespect judgments are not the pillars and foundation. It is a marriage where put down, manipulation and condemnations do not exist. It is a marriage where verbal, psychological, emotional and physical abuse is not taken place. It is marriage where conflicts are not being avoided.


The core of a peaceful marriage is love and trust. A peaceful marriage requires that both spouses to be dedicated to love and honor each other.  What can you do to foster a peaceful marriage?



Husband – Nurture your wife, treat her with respect. Your wife is priceless. Your wife is your queen.


The one who finds a wife finds what is good.

    He receives favor from the Lord. –   Proverbs 18:22


Wife – Cherish your husband; don’t nag him to the roof. Treat him as your king.


It is better to live on a corner of a roof

    than to share a house with a nagging wife. – Proverbs 21:9


Choose to make your marriage a peaceful marriage. Peace is not the absence of conflict. Peace is not quietness. Peace is the ability to enjoy each other with happiness and without reservation. Make your marriage peaceful. Start by smiling and loving your spouse.


Question: What other tips do you use to foster a peaceful marriage with your spouse?

Mar 31

Lessons from Love Busters


Read to Feed Your Marriage allows you to read a great marriage book by a world renowned marriage expert and you get a licensed counselor to give you weekly tips and challenges to transform your marriage from average to amazing.  Join us from March 17th to May 26th as we read Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


Chapter 3 – Disrespectful Judgments – Who Wants to Live with a Critic?


8 Steps to Being a Respectful Persuader


You might have your spouse’s best interest in mind, but if you force your opinion and values on your spouse you will get nowhere. Many spouses are guilty of committing disrespectful judgment without knowing that each disrespectful judgment causes withdrawal in the love bank.

To Be or not To Be

You can be your spouse worse critic or you can be your spouse # 1Fan. Disrespectful judgments will eventually damage your marriage. Along the ways disrespectful judgments cause the following consequences:

A spouse with low self-esteem

A spouse who is compliant out of fear of being recriminated

A spouse who withdraws emotionally from the marriage

A spouse who is depressed

A spouse who is resentful and bitter

A spouse who loses confidence in his/her life partner


If you want to safeguard your marriage, it is crucial to move from being your spouse worse critic to being a respectful persuader and your spouse’s number one fan.


Listed below are 8 steps to being a respectful persuader.

   1.     Examine your point of view before addressing your spouse – Before you try to persuade your spouse, strive to understand   your own reasons behind your point of view. Will your view benefit the marriage, your souse or is it to satisfy or appease your needs? Are your views based on your comfort level? Really investigate your own motives before your try to persuade your spouse.

   2.     Put yourself in your spouse’s place – How would you feel if your spouse approaches you the same way you are addressing your spouse? Your tone, your words, your timing do matter when you are trying to persuade your spouse. Ridicule doesn’t work.  Don’t attack your spouse’s characters or values. Your words can start a conversation or lock the door of communication.

   3.     Approach your spouse with a mindset of the policy of joint agreement – Keep in mind your spouse is more important than your agenda. Consequently, do not do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. A win-win for both spouses is more important than your spouse agreeing out of fear.

    4.     Clearly state your conflicting opinions to each other – Have a two way conversation. Listen and seek to understand your spouse. Restate your spouse’s opinions just to clarify that you understand what is being communicated. The more you seek to understand your spouse the more your spouse will see that you are trying to be a respectful persuader.


In marriage the blending of a husband and a wife’s value systems brings benefits to both. Each partner brings wisdom and foolishness to the marriage. By respectful discussing beliefs and values, the couple has an opportunity to create a superior system.

       Willard F. Harley, Jr.


   5.     Explain the benefits – If your spouse feel understood, your spouse will likely have an open heart to listen to the benefits of your points of view. This is not the time to give rebuttals or attack your spouse’s explanations. This is the time to really state your opinion in a loving way.

   6.     Suggest a test of your opinion – After you have explained the benefits, suggest that your spouse try your way for a short while. Remember this is a suggestion. If your spouse does not want to try your suggestion, let it go.

    7.     If the test fails to persuade, let it go – Perhaps, your spouse did agree to try your suggestion for a week as you suggested. However, if your spouse decides to not follow your suggestion after the test period, let it go. Do not try to force your opinions on your spouse.

    8.     Give your spouse an opportunity to persuade you – One of the best ways to really build trust and intimacy is to allow yourself to be persuaded by your spouse.  Be open to the possibility that your spouse might be right. You spouse has the right to influence your judgment just as much you have the right to influence your spouse..


Challenge of the Week – Disrespectful Judge or Respectful Persuader

Whether you have your spouse’s best interest in mind, you should never become your spouse worst critic.  Disrespectful judgments can really leave your love bank empty.

This week investigate if you are a Disrespectful Judge or Respectful Persuader.

Ask your spouse the flowing question, be willing to accept the response and decide to take action.

When you and your spouse discuss an issue, does he or she interrupt you or talk so much it prevents you from having a chance to explain your position?


Thank you for reading

Mar 28

3 Benefits of Setting Boundaries in Marriage

For some couples, the concept of having boundaries in marriage would be anxiety provoking. Why boundaries are needed in marriage if we are supposed to be one? Many couples fall for the misconception that boundaries prevent intimacy and oneness. Consequently, those spouses keep trampling on each other’s boundaries. Guilt, shame, anger, withholding of love are the products of a marriage without boundaries. Instead of saying “I am upset and frustrated,” spouses accuse each other by saying “You made me mad.” “It is your fault that I lose control of my anger.” The toxic cycle can go on and on until the marriage suffocate.


A marriage with boundaries allows each spouse to love each other freely and take responsibility for love and freedom of choice in the marriage.


Here are 3 benefits of having boundaries in marriage.

– When you set boundaries in your marriage, you have freedom to love your spouse as is and inspire your spouse to grow. You do not have t a need o beat down your spouse’s imperfections. Your spouse’s values, desires, attitudes, etc belong solely to your spouse .You are choosing freely to enter the marriage. Not out of pressure or compulsion. Your spouse has the same freedom. Consequently, by knowing the boundaries your spouse has the freedom to grow within the marriage. In addition, couples who respect each other’s boundaries support each other to grow, and extend grace. There is a mutual understanding that love will grow if I chose freely to accept the boundaries.


Boundaries allow you to take responsibility for you

Love                                  Dreams





Feelings                 BOUNDARIES           Talents


            Values                                            Desires





Love – Love is base on respect not out of fear. Love is not conditional since boundaries acceptance is not force through coercion. There is not belittling or abuse to force love. Boundaries about emotional and physical safety are nurtured. Marriages with boundaries are not in utopia society. However, challenges are confronted based on the boundaries. Love in a marriage without boundaries is toxic. Control occurs by manipulation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, etc. 


Responsibility – You allow your spouse to take responsibility and ownership of his actions, thoughts, feelings in the marriage. You take responsibility and ownership for your actions, thoughts, feelings. Consequently, when challenges arise, each spouse has ownership in bringing resolution for his or her choices. The only person you control is the person in the mirror. 


Building a marriage with boundaries is hard work but it is so freeing.  I have seen spouses who took full responsibility for alcohol addiction, sexual infidelity, and emotional abuse due to lack of boundaries and toxic love. With boundaries in marriage ownership and responsibility lead to each spouse facing consequences for their own choices. You can try to control your spouse and tell him he needs to change until your face turn blue or you can set loving boundaries that will really set your marriage to experience true love. Get started today.

Questions:  Setting boundaries in marriage is healthy.  How do you foster boundaries in your marriage?

Thank you for reading.


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